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When I wake up I feel like I can’t breathe.. the first thing I think about when wake up is something from my past and I feel overwhelmed. So many thoughts … in life you either live or you die so it’s like I stop and think about which one am I doing. Can’t lie most days it feels like I’m dying ; I think about dying everyday… what’s the point of really living if your not really LIVING don’t get me wrong I have good moments and memories that are worth holding close to my heart… but over all I feel life slowly slipping away from me I’m watching everything and everyone I love get out of my reach.. I put my headphones in and I slip into another world like I’m running from myself and I’m tired of running. So when you get tired of running you have to face what ever facts come…. I have a lot of darkness inside me. I suppose things will get better or worse … before I take life into my own hands and twist it until it pops. 

My mind on flames it feels like it’s burnt to a crisp but I won’t jump to conclusions a question mark above my head I’m acted out in confusion I drop to my knees my hand to my hand as I plead look up to the sky as I talk to God confessing these confessions actions like possession lessons on top of lessons when can my soul just finally be resting to my wife which I refer to as life till death do us part that will be my blessing that’s a knowledgeable thought there is no guessing I’m crazy in the mind it’s quite explosive pop off like nuclear bombs it’s war it’s crime my actions are suicidal I slit my wrist just to see how much I bleed just to see how much of an adrenaline rush it is for me I want to see if I turn purple or blue I cut until the knife is scraping upon my bone I feel the pain oh so bad physically but the reason and motive for all of this is because I was fxcked mentally

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Enough

I really hate fighting with you, I be wanting to say all this shit to your face but I’m afraid that I’ll just break down and cry. I can barely look you in the eyes ; we both know our love ending came as such a big surprise, sometimes I want to die … But I’ll just sit there and cry because when I wake up my eyes will be dry. It’s like you don’t even try. Come hold me and tell me that we’re going to be alright that you don’t want this love to die as much as I don’t… That our relationship will always be worth fighting for. I hurt inside because I feel this coming to an end. And I’m not going to pretend that I care so much. I’m growing more distant … I feel as if you don’t even want to be around me. You must think less of me now. Love just isn’t enough anymore

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Stop.

It’s hard because… I’m so mad but then all I can think about is kissing you. I love you I know that I do Stop don’t make me feel like I’m crazy .. My heart races when I hear your voice. It’s like a thousand butterflies flying around my heart.Wait Stop don’t walk away cause I didn’t think I could ever say this to your face. Here I am here we are trying to find ways to stay together. I can’t trust a love that I stopped believing in. You made me this way .. Not being able to trust you is such a scary pain. I Stop and think how could I just let a love like this go you’ve always been my hero … Now I can’t help but feel that our love is at an all time low. Baby we’re suppose to grow ..I hate to watch you walk out the door. My pride won’t let me say STOP don’t go… Losing you would be hard but staying isn’t helping at all. I want to fall back in your love but I’m drowning in a sea full of confusion .. Love shouldn’t hurt like this and there I go thinking about your kiss again … Can’t I just stop these painful thoughts ….

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Random thoughts 

I always thought I’d experience heartbreak and I think I’m ready for it. I never am tho ; I sit here and I feel all this pain my heart throbbing and aching racing at such a fast pain and it hurts like crazy. I can barley breathe but still managed to breathe ; we have these fights and I can feel you playing me and you have the nerve to do it in my face. 

We keep saying we’re better then this but damn you just hit me in my fucking face. Then lay on top of me and say you love me and I’m loving it only because of the way you fuck me. But I’m tired of this shit I keep shooting for a real goal for us and I miss. But damn now I’m thinking about your kiss …. This love is bad for me and draining me ; I’ve never been through this before so my reaction is new everytime because I’m always right ; I keep waiting for you to prove me wrong and mean what you say. Now everyday I can’t look at you the same.. My love for you is just slipping away.

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We’re falling apart.

See We stay together because we’re afraid to lose each other … I hate the thought of you being with someone else and I’m sure you feel the same yet I don’t know how you feel but I’m sure you’ve been with someone else anyway. I keep thinking I’m holding on to love when I’m just being selfish ; you don’t know what I feel inside how some days I feel completely in love with you and other days I look at you and wonder how I could love you ? We play this game on who can hurt who the worst and then we say sorry and come back together trying to pretend as if nothing happen when in the back of our minds we still feel pain. I have a hard time trying to put our love back together when every other day it just falls apart again. I don’t know if I’m just use to you being around or why it’s so hard to let you go. I’m tired of this pain tho ; I feel as if your acting crazy because of me and I’m scared to leave you because I know in a way I keep you grounded and try and keep your mind in the right place. I’m not playing my part on being your Wife because your not playing your part on being my love. Some days are good but most of our days are bad. I don’t want to fight I don’t want to feel like this and I don’t want you to feel how you feel either. What do we do ? A love like this only comes around once …. I don’t want it to die ; we can’t go on like this tho  were falling apart and I feel like I have to give you up ……. 

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I guess I’m not suppose to get another chance … I’ve fucked up all the other ones or maybe it’s the person that this isn’t suppose to happen with … I’m not sure I just know that it won’t happen and it’s not happening for me. It’s something I really want ; to be able to raise someone and be able to do it right and I can’t it’s like it’s not happening for me I feel like it’s the wrong time and the wrong person. Everything just feels wrong and I feel like shit everytime I get my hopes up and then it just doesn’t happen and this time I really thought that I was … 

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Trying

Sometimes people will suprise you ; it’s crazy that night I realized I was alone but the people that ended up being there for me where the ones I never expected to be. I hate saying I’m lost because as soon as I think I found my way … I feel like I’m taking the wrong path. I don’t know what feels right anymore and what feels wrong. Am I confused or lost , sometimes I think I’m scared of the outcome because for the most part nothing good has come out of any things ive chose to do. I love life but at night I rather die then live another day trying to see if I’m going to be okay. Because most days I’m not okay and that scares me That I rather die then live to see another day .. I’m not where I want to be I don’t have what I had a year ago. I keep going because I’m Curious to see what will happen and if it will break me. I feel like if I sleep forever nothing can hurt me…. Life has taken over me and I don’t know if I can do it. I’m trying tho I’m trying.